What The Puck: Goon It Up!

Posted by: Bad Advice Barry
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada

In the old days of hockey, the players were real men. Real men who didn't wear helmets. Who weren't afraid to take - or dish out - a punch or two. The puck was made of concrete instead of rubber. Losing teams were ritually barbecued and fed to the rabid fans of the victors.

I miss those days.

Today's NHL is filled with sissies. Lady men. Contact dodgers. Nothing makes Barry angrier than having girls on his fantasy team. That's why I am here today to share with you one of my many strategies for winning fantasy hockey contests. I call this one "GOON IT UP".

If you look at the rules for how hockey contests at Fantasy Sports Live are scored, you should see this:

Offensive Scoring

Goal = 10 pts
Assist = 7 pts
Shot on Goal = 1 pt
Penalty Minute = 1 pt
+/- (per. point) = 5 pts

PLUS ONE POINT per penalty minute. A minor penalty gets you a quick +2. A major, hopefully coupled with a game misconduct will get you double digits in no time. You also won't have to worry about any of that sissy stuff like plus/minus. Ya, you won't get any goals or assists, but if you pick players REAL MEN who get hosed by the refs on a regular enough basis you should be able to score mucho positive points.

Lemme give you an example. If you look up the leaders in penalty minutes, at the top of the list you find this guy:

2

Sean Avery, DAL

C

14

2

6

8

3

58

14:02

22

9.1

0

3

0

0

In 14 games, Sean Avery has 2 goals, 6 assists, a +3 and 58 penalty minutes. 58 penalty minutes! That's better than two sticks-to-the-groin per game and easy easy fantasy points. Sean Avery is a MAN. A real, live, blood and guts, teeth missing hockey god. You should have him on your team.

"Who is Sean Avery" I hear you asking. That name doesn't sound Canadian or Russian. Because I'm a knowledge guy, I looked up Sean Avery on the intertubes. This is the first picture I found:

What the $%$%^&$%^&*!!.

Son of a $%^&*^&*(!! Anybody who dresses like that is a sissy and isn't a REAL hockey player.

(ed - what's Canadian for douchebag, anybody know?)

I'm never taking this piece of $%^&* ever again.

Did you know that back in the good old days players would go for weeks without sharpening their skates? This punk probably can't go fifteen minutes without waxing his back. Makes me sick.

This is Barry signing off, going for another beer and reminding you to GOON IT UP if you want to be a real man and a winner at fantasy hockey.

(Ed note: "What The Puck" is an extremely irregular series of posts on fantasy hockey. Play fantasy hockey daily at Fantasy Sports Live. When doing so, you probably shouldn't use any of the recommendations made by Bad Advice Barry. Bad Advice Barry sucks at fantasy hockey. He is very good at drinking Molsons and yelling at Don Cherry however. Neither Fantasy Sports Live nor the people behind this blog are responsible for any harm caused by following Bad Advice Barry's "recommendations". Also remember that scoring methods are subject to change - see the FSL site for official rules.)